Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Going Back

Up this morning. Do NOT want to go back to treatment. First, doing 10 hours per day is exhausting. I have not done 10 hours of anything for months. All of the questions and emotions and eating new things - any one of them would have been enough to put me through the wringer. All together, they just ripped me up.

Secondly, it is hard to have to tell your story over and over in one day to several different people. The nurse. The psychiatrist. The dietician. The counselor. And every time one of them says, "wait, back up... you did this why?", I feel like they are questioning my honesty or why I think I have a problem. Most likely those thoughts never entered their heads, but that does not mean it did not enter my head.

Thirdly, I do not want to eat any new foods again. But that promises to be part of my day.

Conclusion: I do not want to go back. But I am going.

Monday, December 19, 2011

The End of the Day

I made it through Day 1. It was exhausting. I was pushed in ways that I had never imagined. This is much different than the treatment I received in 1999. I'm so exhausted I can barely see, but I wanted you to know that I made it through.

Day 1

I have not even left the house to go to the treatment center yet, and I am already so mad at the men in my family that I could just spit. So many of the feelings of worthlessness that push me into my eating disorder are directly connected to those men. I beg God to release me from caring about them and He says, "No." It is hard not to be angry at God for that, but He is the potter. The pot He creates ought not be mouthing off to Him.

This is going to suck.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Scary

Tomorrow is my first day of treatment. I know I need it, but I so do not want to give up control to these people. Even if they are trying to help me. This is going to suck.

Not Otherwise Specified

When I was quite young, the "You are what you eat" public service announcements were all over the place. Without knowing that my mind was willing to lie to me, I "figured out" that if I ate the same foods my family ate, I would become like them. There were scary and hurtful things going on in my life that made becoming like "them" a very bad idea. "They" ate fairly healthy food, so this little idea left me with only junk to survive on. Brilliant, isn't it?

I was also very cognizant of money being a big issue in our family. Huge. Once more, my lying mind had "figured out" that since I had already been "given away" once (adoption at birth), I could possibly be given away again. I had been told that my birthmother relinquished me because she could not afford to take care of me. Also, my father was on the Board of Directors of a children's home, so I knew there was some place to send me. I needed to make sure that I did not cost my family too much money or I would be sent away. What costly thing was I willing to give up? Toys, clothes, or bubble gum? No. I was willing to give up food. More brilliance.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

It's A Start

This is going to suck. It really is. But I'm going to do it.